Breathe
by Edward's Heroine
Summary: Bella's thoughts and feelings after Edward leaves in New Moon, set to song. Song by Taylor Swift. Hope you enjoy!


_I see your face in my mind as I drive away,  
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way,  
People are people,  
And sometimes we change our minds,  
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time,_

I couldn't believe it, he was really gone, and he wasn't coming back. I wished with all of my heart that he would run back to me and tell me that he takes it all back, but I know he won't. I was crying my heart out, I knew I should go home, but I couldn't. It held to many memories of us, of Edward and I, together. I couldn't go to the living room, I remembered when we had watched _Romeo and Juliet_ on the couch not so long ago. I remembered leaving the house when Edward took me to prom, just walking through that door would break my heart because of all the times we had walked through it _together._ I couldn't go to the kitchen, we had talked in there too many times, not my room, he had always crept into my room and watched me sleep during the night. I couldn't be in the house _at all_. But these woods held no memories of us. These weren't the woods he had taken me through so he could show me that he sparkled in the sunlight in our meadow, we had never walked through these woods. I was glad for that because these woods gave me no memories of him, of me and him, of us together. I knew I was sobbing, tears making long wet streaks down my cheeks, I knew my face was puffy. I knew I didn't look at all attractive because of it.

Really, Edward leaving me made sense. How could he love someone as plane and boring as I was, how could he when he was surrounded by people that had the most incredible stories to tell, the ones that would seem unbelievable but the ones that you know are real, the ones that those people are telling you about their lives. Their stories were real, their stories were exciting, their stories were not boring like mine, and all mine were real, they weren't fascinating like Edward had made me believe when he was asking me all those questions all day back when we first met, my stories would never have the thrill that all of the other vampires' stories had, the ones that were excruciatingly painful to hear, but at the same time you can't stop listening, you can't get up and walk out of the room, you can't think of something else.

Edward had drawn me in, I was nothing but a little play toy to him, I was just something that would entertain him for a short period of time, I wasn't special, I wasn't anything, I was just ordinary and boring. I would never be anything more than that, and I had to except that.

_Mmm mmm mmmmmm,  
Mmm mmm mmm mmm,_

_He never loved you,_ I thought to myself, _you were just a distraction, a short page in his never ending life, not even a chapter. Face it, he's never coming back, he'll never love you, you won't ever see any of the Cullens again. Get over it._But I couldn't. Getting over what had happened, it seemed impossible. I knew it was just that, impossible. I would never forget Edward, I would never forget any of the Cullens. They were my family in a way, though I know they don't really care about me, they just pretended to love me because of Edward, because they wanted to help him do this to me. He'd had it all planned out from the start, from the moment he saw me, he's had it all planned out.

_Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie,  
It's the kind you don't really want to see,  
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,  
Now I don't know what to be without you around,_

I couldn't believe that though. It wasn't like me to think about someone like that, and I was trying to convince myself that he never loved me, that everything was just a game to him, I thought that would make the pain easier to bear, but it didn't, of course. I had felt my heart breaking, felt it shatter into a thousand pieces, little tiny pieces that would never be able to be pieced back together, not ever, no matter what happens to me, my heart will forever be shattered. I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know how I was going to survive without him. Already it seemed as if two people had died, well actually eight, me, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie. It felt like we were all dead, but were stuck on the earth to live out the rest of our lives, but they would never die, I would, and I knew they had no pain about the way they had made me feel. I couldn't make myself believe that either, though. Somewhere in my heart I really did believe that they still loved me, that they hadn't wanted to leave, that they were all hurting, maybe even Rosalia, and I believed that Edward could be hurting just as much as me, maybe even more. But I doubted that.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy,  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,  
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to,  
Breathe without you, but I have to,_

There was no one, no one I could turn to, no one I could talk to about what had happened since I had met Edward Cullen and his family, because that would mean exposing them for what they truly were. Vampires. But even with them gone, never coming back, I couldn't do that to them, I couldn't betray them like that, it was impossible, plus who would believe me anyway? Charlie would throw me in a mental hospital, and I would have to live with knowing that every bit of that was true while everyone else thought I was crazy. Telling anybody about what had happened since I had moved to Forks was definitely out.

_Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt,  
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve,  
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out,  
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out,_

I don't really know how it happened, but I woke up and I was on the ground, I could hear people calling my name, but I couldn't find my voice to answer. I just wanted Edward, he would make everything better. _But Edward's not coming back!_ I yelled at myself.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy,  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,  
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to,  
Breathe without you, but I have to,_

I knew I would dream of him and what he said when he left me, I knew that dream would haunt me for the rest of my life. I knew it and I had to except it, I just had to because it was going to be that way for a long time. Unless I forgot the Cullens my life would be miserable, and I knew I would never forget them.

_It's 2AM,  
Feel like I just lost a friend,  
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me,  
It's 2AM,  
Feel like I just lost a friend,  
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me,_

Sam, one of the boys from La Push, found me and carried me back to where all the people where, Charlie was there, he carried me back to the house and laid me on the couch. A doctor came and asked me questions, but I could only mumble brief responses, too tired and broken hearted to really hear or care what he was asking me.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy,  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,  
Oh,  
I can't breathe without you, but I have to,  
Breathe without you, but I have to,  
Breathe without you, but I have to,_

In the days that followed I found that I couldn't breathe, it got harder everyday, my chest always hurt and I felt like I just wanted to give up sometimes, but I had made a promise to find my way in this life, for Edward, so I would try, but I felt like I couldn't go on. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't breathe at all, it seemed impossible to move at all anymore, and my chest _always _hurt. I just wanted Edward to come back. If he could see me now, I wonder what his reaction would be.

_Ohh,  
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..._

When he took off after saying goodbye I wished more than ever that he could read my mind, usually him not being able to read my mind would be what I wanted, so he couldn't hear all my embarrassing thoughts, but when he left him not being able to read my mind was a burden. If he could read my mind he would've heard this:

Come back Edward, I still love you, and I know you still love me too.


End file.
